The first therapy session: The “must” and the “now”

In the first session of the rest of my life as usual I provided some sort of background. That's what happened yesterday and I felt a real connection with the therapist. Unfortunately, moving on someone else will undertake me as I asked for long term treatment. I'm optimistic that the next one will be great too though. At some we started discussing my triggers and my anger management.

That was a really interesting and funny key exchange during our interaction which goes beyond me being a borderpolar. It's how I get very angry over very small things during certain conversations. These conversations can be sensitive for me of course, especially with people close to me. So whenever I feel diminished, misunderstood or just when I'm in a generally bad mood things can get out of hand. A simple conversation can turn to a frantic argument that makes things much worse than they originally were. In some case this has gone way too far.

The interesting dialog exchange

– Therapist: Why do you keep engaging when you know that anger clouds your judgement and will only make things worse?

– Me: Because at the time I think the problem must be resolved now.

– Therapist: Why must it be resolved now?

– Me: To achieve better communication and understanding. And in cases of intimate relationships to become more connected rather than keep a distance.

– Therapist: Why do you want it to be resolved now?

Pause… *thinking*

– Me: Sorry can you repeat the first question? Because I was about to answer the same thing but I forgot what you asked.

– Therapist: *chuckles* The first question was why it must happen now.

There you go. Under duress, what I want becomes what must happen. Instead of taking a step back, calming down and re-engaging later on, or never again if the matter is trivial I keep going. I keep going like my life depends on it. This lasts from 3 to 5 minutes and when I realize I have gone too far I feel shame. My ex would leave the house to avoid making things worse. The moment that happened I would go completely berserk. Two minutes later I would be in puppy eyes mode apologizing. That has happened far too many times and has cost me far too many people. I'm doing the opposite of what I would under rational and strategic thinking.

So the first session went well, but I kept thinking about this thing and my anger since it can't stop troubling me, especially during the past 8 months. I was never that person until I became that person. People who know me since my childhood would confirm that I was the silent type. To the point where one professor said “You are wondering: Is he even breathing?” — loved the guy by the way, he got me.

Emotional overflow; I want my underflow back

It's like at some point my emotional container got full and it overflowed. But it's not like it's ever emptying. After I lash out it still remain full. At some point something broke emotionally and I stopped being a patient person, I turned to someone driven by impulse when under any kind of stress, anxiety or negative thought.

Then after our first and probably last session came to an end I got scared and became miserable for the rest of the day. I don't know why I have become like that, I don't to revert the process or if it is possible at all. If it isn't, can it be contained so that I will stop being unbearable when I'm in a bad mood? Even if I change back to who I was or become the one I want to be, will people see it?

The Light is Winning - Rustin Cohle and Marty Hart from the True Detective Final Scene
“The light is winning” – Detective Rustin Cohle

Baby steps – The light is winning

When I'm sad I always overanalyze things and think way too far ahead. The horizon is obviously unclear and I get scared. Eventually, I felt better. The first step is to do my best to fix the problems, control my anger and the rest of my emotions and go from there. After all, this was just the first session. Today is another great day for me. And I'm having more and more of those. Even better, on my bad days I don't feel the need to bother anyone anymore. It will all just go away anyway. The light is winning.

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